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Esquire magazine routinely runs a feature called “What I’ve Learned.” A series of quick words of “wisdom” from actors, musicians, and other elitists. Some are useful, some are funny, and most are egotistical. I’ve decided to steal their idea and come up with my own passages of “What I’ve Learned” in the recent history of my 27 years on this planet.

-I used to lose a lot of sleep thinking that I may not be providing for my Family as well as I could be. Then we had a friend of Joshua’s stay with us for the day. I took them all out for Friendly’s for dinner, ice cream, and then a movie. The kid had never eaten out at Friendly’s before. Ever. Joshua has it made in the shade.

-I attended high school with a guy who went on to Harvard for Molecular Biology.. or some shit like that. He now writes and produces episodes of The Simpsons, which is awesome. It’s too bad discovering the double helx can’t get you a star on the walk of fame.

-When Joshua was little, he had an audition for a children’s modeling campaign. The whole drive down to where the audition was, Joshua was excited. When we finally got to the waiting room, he decided that he did not want to go through with it. Sometimes, Kids are allowed to change their minds. You have to allow it. Those crazy stage mothers should have their parenting license revoked.

-Next year I am only sending out Christmas cards to the people who sent me one this year.

-Everyone in this part of New England will, at some point in their lives, own a Subaru Outback. Everyone.

-Celebrity Jeopardy is a fucking joke.

There is a new train wreck in town.

In the form of a pregnant teenager.

16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears announced to the world that she was expecting.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I look at those to kids, the first thing that comes to my mind is how wonderful their mother’s parenting skills must have been. And I also think: PLEASE GOD, PLEASE. Will their mom write a book on parenting skills? So I can read it and be sure my son grows up to be a well rounded adult? And Maybe a successful pop star? Because that would be great! A New York Times best seller for sure!

Nope. Not gonna happen. God has a sick sense of humor.

Another addition in a series of Christmas Posts, here is a video I took of the Tree Lighting ceremony in Wassaic. Me and Josh went. Santa was there, there was Hot Coca and Christmas carols. Fun Fun Fun.

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Joshua is bit of a Mad Scientist. He like to do experiments (in his own 6 year old way) on what kind of liquids will freeze, how long it takes, and other stuff like that.

He tried that this week, placing the liquid in the freezer, and added another variable in the experiment: Turning the freezer’s temperature gauge way up.

He did not realize that the dial he turned to 10 was not for the freezer, but for the refrigerator.

And when Melissa went to prepare the Feather Bed Eggs for the next morning’s breakfast, all the eggs in the carton were frozen.

Have you ever tried to crack open a frozen egg? What is inside…. is not pretty.

And Get away with it.

The AP published an article on the rising shrinkage (theft) rate of the evil corporation today.

Like a blatant invitation to steal, the article says:

“The new policy seeks prosecutions of first-time offenders only if they are between ages 18 to 65 and steal at least $25 worth of merchandise.”

Need a pack of batteries? A Gallon of Milk? Take it. IF you get caught, pay for it. IF you don’t, it’s free. Atleast you wont go to prison. It’s company policy. Stick it to the man.

(Full article)